Spicymac

For a tasty lunch, begin with Wegmans Mac & Cheese.  The following is one of my favorite dishes, because it’s both mind-bendingly delicious and very easy to make.

Materials: The aforementioned Mac & Cheese, 1/6-to-1/4-lb. ziti or similar macaroni, 2% or whole (4%) milk, olive oil, Parmesan or Romano cheese, 4 cloves garlic, cayenne pepper, black pepper, basil, oregano.

Method:  In a medium-sized handled pot, boil approx. 6 cups water.  If you eschew a measuring cup and instead eyeball the water level, ’tis better to err on the side of less water than more.  Unlike ordinary macaroni, do not add salt!  While the water is heating up, peel and finely chop the garlic.  When the water reaches a boil, add the macaroni from the Wegmans box and a dash of ziti.  Stir vigorously so that the pasta do not stick to the bottom of the pot, as they are wont to do.  Disregard the instructions on the box of macaroni; boil water for approx. 6-7 minutes and drain.  With the mixing implement of your choice, hollow out a small indentation in the macaroni.  This is where you will be combining your spices before mixing them in.  Add chopped garlic.  Add contents of cheese sauce packet.  Add a splash of milk.  Add a copious amount of cayenne pepper.  Add a copious amount of black pepper.  Add basil and oregano.  Finely grate a medium amount of cheese.  You will now have a mound of cheese powder and spices, looking rather like a volcano.  Drizzle the olive oil over the volcano and observe the lava that runs down the sides.  Mix thoroughly.  Serve in a big bowl along with milk, because you will need it to cut the burn. Mangiare.

WARNING!  This recipe is extremely spicy, and is not for the faint of heart.  It would behoove you to experiment with smaller amounts of pepper until you become accustomed to the heat levels.  Buffalonians need not fear, though, having been raised on hot wings.

Sex Bob-omb

If you’re playing your favorite video game and need to fuel your energy bar back up, begin with ramen.

Acquire the materials: 1 brick ramen noodles, 1 egg, (can be multiplied, but keep ratio) shoyu (soy sauce), Sriracha hot sauce, chopsticks.

Method: Discard ramen flavor package.  There is more than enough sodium and cholesterol in the recipe to begin with.  Boil the noodles.  Fry the egg(s).  Drain noodles.  Combine noodles and egg(s).  Mix thoroughly, using chopsticks.  Eggs cooked over-easy will break their yolks and coat the noodles with liquid eggy goodness;  eggs cooked over-hard or scrambled will disperse throughout.  Add shoyu (not much) and Sriracha (as much as you can handle).  Enjoy with chopsticks, the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultural.*

Mangiare.  Then get back to your regularly-scheduled gaming.

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* I intend no disrespect here.  There is a particular brand of chopsticks, which I’ve seen in several different Chinese joints, which has had this rendering on their packaging for well-on ten years now.  You’d think that in that period, they’d have recognized the error and changed it, yet that has not happened.  I think they’re keeping it deliberately, cause the phrasing is actually pretty funny.  (Compare Zero Wing’s “All Your Base”.)

Orecchiette delle Due Carni

To acquire the strength, speed, and stamina of an Italian stallion, begin as follows:

Acquire the materials: 1 lb. orecchiette macaroni, jar of meat sauce (homemade is best, but the Wegmans brand stuff that comes in the glass jar will do), 1-1/2 lb. chicken breast, basil, oregano, black pepper (in grinder), 4 (yes, four) cloves garlic.

Method: Slice the chicken breasts into very thin strips or bite-size pieces, whichever you can manage given the shape of the cut of meat.  Cut off fatty scraps and give them to the dog.  On another cutting board, slice up the garlic cloves.  Wet a cast-iron pan (remember how fundamental those are?) with olive oil; add chicken, garlic, and spices to taste.  In a pinch, thyme may be substituted for oregano, but at a loss of 30% of the dish’s magic power.

On the other burner, fill a large pot 2/3 full with cold water.  Add salt to taste.  Begin heating.

While the water is coming to a boil, sautée the chicken/garlic mixture until chicken is cooked through.  Add meat sauce and spices to taste; reduce heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally (and always clockwise [or "with the sun"]).

When the water boils, add pasta and cook 8-12 minutes, stirring and tasting pasta relatively frequently, until pasta is “al dente”.  Drain and return to pot.

Add sauce to pasta and stir until thoroughly mixed.  Reduce heat to low and simmer approx. 1 minute.  While the pasta is simmering, take the pan with the saucy residue and rinse it immediately in the sink.  You will thank yourself later.

Serve with a dry red wine of your choice.  Mangiare.

Eggy in the Hole

A quick-and-dirty recipe for weekend and weekday alike.  Thanks to Rob for putting me onto the recipe.

Materials: 1 slice bread, 1 shot glass, 1 egg, butter or oil, cast-iron frying pan.

Method: Place the slice of bread on a hard, flat surface.  Take the shot glass and punch a hole in the center of the bread.  Save the bread-coin.  In your cast-iron frying pan (which, as we’ve said before, is a requirement of any proper kitchen), add butter or oil (your preference) to grease the pan.  Put burner on medium-high.  Place the  bread and coin into the pan.  Crack an egg in the hole.  Watch the hole carefully; the albumin will turn from clear to white from the bottom up.  When the hole is about two-thirds white, slide a metal spatula underneath the bread.  The fused egg-bread mass should lift easily and leave no residue.  Flip the fused egg-bread.  Flip the coin.  The other side will cook much more quickly, since the pan is now hotter.  Check the other side with the spatula; again, it should lift free and leave no residue.  You are done cooking.  Remove from heat, plate, top with the coin and hot sauce to taste.  Mangiare.

Remarks: “Eggy in the Hole” has restored some of my faith in humanity, since a human being probably created it (unless it was created by the Gods themselves and transmitted to humans).  It is reality-alteringly delicious.

Bacon, Egg, and Cheese of the Gods

For the strength to defeat your enemies, begin with bacon.

Specifically, fry up two slices of thick-cut bacon in a big cast-iron frying pan[FN1]. When they’re done, put them aside and turn down the heat as low as it’ll go.

While the bacon is cooking, in a smaller non-stick pan, fry an egg to your liking in olive oil. When the egg is done, cut the heat and put the egg aside with the bacon. Then pour the eggy olive oil into the cast-iron pan. Don’t worry, it won’t spatter; hot oil + hot oil is safe, unlike hot oil + water, which will really f*ck up your day.

Alternatively, you can also fry the egg in the bacon grease if you’d prefer not to have to clean two pans.

Anyway, now you’ve got a fried egg, two cooked strips of bacon, and a whole lotta grease. What shall be done with the latter? That’s the clever part. Take two slices of bread and place them into the frying pan. Turn up the heat to medium-high. Move the bread around so it soaks up the melted oil. Then place slices of cheese on one of the pieces of bread. When the cheese starts to melt, put the egg and bacon on top of it, followed by another slice of cheese, followed by the other piece of bread. If you’re particularly skilled with a spatula, you can flip the sandwich to evenly melt the cheese and seal in the bacony, eggy goodness. (I am not this skilled.)

Enjoy, but slowly; when such immense power is concentrated in such a small space, our human digestive systems will have trouble handling it.

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[FN1] A well-seasoned cast-iron frying pan is an indispensable part of any kitchen. You can cook practically anything in it, and as it builds up seasoning, it will never rust. They’re practically indestructible, and won’t give you Alzheimer’s like aluminum cookware will.

Free Advice on How to be Happy

First, stop reading the newspaper, watching television, and reading on the internet.

Next, spend your time doing actual tasks and activities that require something of you beyond flitting your eyelids.

Surround yourself with good friends and family members and treat them well.

Don’t worry about things or other people because worrying does nothing.

Don’t take shit from anybody.

Eat pizza.

And finally, build a wood fired hot tub in the backyard to sit in with babes.

The Illest Egg Sandwich Ever

For Ultimate Power, begin by frying two eggs to your liking. While the eggs are frying, toast two slices of bread and spread cream cheese thereupon. When the eggs are almost done, shred lots of Parmesan cheese (from a block of such cheese, for pre-grated Parm is Abomination) onto the eggs.  Place cheese-topped eggs in sandwich. Top with Sriracha or Frank’s, plus herbs to taste. Mangiare.

Tomato Pie with Garlic Cornmeal Crust

I know it’s kind of late for tomato recipes, but this is one that I had photos for that was planned as an entry for my old cooking blog that morphed into this 26W project. Still, this savory tomato pie is pretty original in my opinion. It’s as delicious as it is easy to make – maybe even more so – and it was eaten up in minutes, enjoyed even by those that professed to like neither tomatoes nor pies.